Being a Mother

Sometimes I stop and look at my children and wish they could have the me that I used to be before I was a mother. I have adored children all my life. Mind you not everyone's children. I'm actually pretty picky. But still, I am one of those people who was meant to be around children. When I was in college I managed to get the best job in the world. Twice a week I would walk over to the house of an Econ professor where his wife, another econ professor who was working on a novel at the time, would be waiting for me. Their twin daughters would be asleep when I arrived and would usually wake up within about 30-45 minutes of my arrival. At first I would plop them into their super long, limo style stroller and take a walk back up to the college and stroll around. Stopping to look at the leaves, the snow, the puddles, whatever was there. As they grew I became adept at tying shoes for four feet at the same time, carrying two children up the stairs, one on each hip, feeding peanut butter and jam sandwiches to two children in high chairs, bundling up in hats, mittens, snow pants, boots, jackets, all fast enough so that no body started to get undressed in the interim. But what I loved, was playing. We read all kinds of books. Is Your Mama a Llama? Goodnight Moon. How Droofus the Dragon Lost His Head. We sang endless songs. We dug in the sand, piled up the snow, jumped in the puddles, danced on the grass, pulled out all of the stuffed animals, we had great times.

When I was an Au Pair in Germany I spent hours singing, walking, pretending to be a horse or a crab to be ridden around on, read book after book, drew silly pictures, baked cookies and dinner with a child at my side because it was fun.

I don't do those things with my children. I'm always too busy. There is always something that needs to be cleaned up, fixed, put away, someone to call, food to be made, food to be bought, an errand to run, an email to read. I sometimes think I'm not very good at having fun with children, and then I remember. I just don't take enough time to have fun with my children.

Life has suddenly gotten very busy for me again... more about that another time... but I have a time crunch to get a lot done and probably won't manage to get all of it accomplished the way that I would like to. But somehow, today I remembered that I could make a little time. We three girls played music, sang, and danced tonight, and everyone was smiling, happy, and peaceful when the lights went out and the door closed. Nobody is going to care if every detail is perfect, every paper in it's place, every shirt on it's hanger. But I am going to care if I turn around and realize that I let two little girls grow up without me.